I have been having some "symptoms" for a few weeks, but didn't really think much of it. I kinda thought at the back of my mind "Hey, maybe I should take a test...you know, just to be sure." But before Christmas I had missed a few periods, taken a few tests, and even went to the Doctor to get whatever it was checked out. He said irregularity was normal with stress, so I just ignored it. When my time finally hit just before Thanksgiving, I was relieved and back to normal. I suppose this time around my alarm bells just weren't going off.
I'm a little spacey sometimes when it comes to remembering to do, well, really anything at all if I have anything else going on. I started to get a stomach ache during my shift at work yesterday, and thought I'd just grab a test while I was at the pharmacy getting some Gaviscon for my tummy, just so I wouldn't forget and to put my mind at ease.
I took the test at lunch time and the big, blue "+" popped up like the hand of a kindergartener who really, really, ooh-oooooh-mememememe knows the answer. I did another to be sure.
Sure enough, knocked up.
Maybe taking a test four hours before my shift was supposed to end wasn't THE best idea I've ever had. I did my job, just going over scenarios in my head. And this is why my situation is...less than simple (hence the "purpose" in the previous post) - I'm not a citizen here and my boyfriend is. The US is my country, but right now, Ireland is my home. I've been in the country for 5 years and I have a life here. I am permitted to stay in the country on a strict student visa because I'm two years into a PhD and I only work 20 hours/week.
This changes a lot.
While I was stocking shelves, cashing up, and waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up, I was just running "what-if"s. What if I went on maternity leave, would my loans be affected? What if I gave it up for an M.Litt, would I regret it? What if I gave it up period, would I be able to afford paying back my loans? What if I stayed in Ireland to give birth - can I get a visa? What if I went home - how will the boyfriend get a visa? Will my insurance cover this? Am I entitled to anything? Is this really happening? Am I happy?
Well...yes. Actually, I was surprised at how not-devastated I was in the first couple of hours. I found myself getting used to the idea, but I was terrified of telling my boyfriend. He's amazing - he's incredibly supportive and he's been saving up for a ring to give me a romantic proposal. We've discussed having children and our life together and I told him upfront when we started dating that I would not be able to terminate a pregnancy if it happened and we were on the same page. I don't know exactly what terrified me. Maybe it was the thought of saying it out loud, or that he'd be upset.
He picked me up and that was by far the most awkward car ride I've ever had. I could tell immediately that he knew something was up, but I certainly wasn't going to say what! We got home and he went into the kitchen to cook dinner. I decided it had to be then.
"Could you turn off the stove and come in here, please."
"Sure."
"I have to go to a doctor to make sure..."
"Ok."
::I start crying, I promised I wouldn't do this:: "But I took two tests"
"Ok."
::Sob, sob:: "And they both say I'm..." ::sob, sob:: "Pregnant."
"Ok! It's ok!"
And that was it. He held me and laughed and I said "Don't be upset!" and he said "I'm not! I'm happy." Suddenly I felt silly. Like a little girl who had dropped an ice cream to be immediately offered another. Ok. I had anticipated hours of talking and crying and sharing and anxiety. But we had a moment - maybe a 15 minute moment - and he went to finish dinner. And that was it. And it was all ok.
We'll figure it out. It's not going to be easy, there's a lot to take care of as far as even in which country our child will be born. But it's ok. We'll figure it out. That I know.
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