Did I mention that I have severe Emetophobia? It's an irrational and pervasive fear a vomitting.
So that was fun today.
I didn't think I was that sensitive, but as I worked my shift, smells started getting to me. My boss, who I told for safety and sick-day reasons, was very careful to dull some of them, but when I heated up some Chicken Soup for lunch, that was it. A bumpy bus ride home set me even more on edge, and when I walked in the door, my boyfriend had dinner waiting for me. Like I said, he's amazing. I promptly threw my bag and brand new copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" on the table and ran into the bedroom to escape the strong smell of pizza and Old Bay seasoning.
I never dreamed that my sense of smell would become so, well, sensitive. It's almost like my nostrils are wired directly into my brain and the smells come at them like an electric shock. I had to stop breathing for a few seconds to compose myself. Now I'm nibbling at my dinner - making sure I get the nutrition and keep it down.
This was definitely my "This is really happening" day. Let's hope the morning sickness plateaus here...
Saturday, 28 January 2012
Friday, 27 January 2012
1st Doctor's Appointment
When I tried to call the surgery last night to make an appointment, I found that they were closed. The machine didn't take messages, so I set an alarm for 8:30am sharp to make sure I was seen today. At exactly 8:30am, I pulled the phone out and pushed redial. 10:45am. Awesome.
At this point, I didn't know. I mean, I wasn't sure how accurate my home test was, and I wanted to see a doctor to confirm. 10:45 seemed ages away, but my boyfriend drove me in and waited with me. I had about 5 glasses of water just before we left to make sure I'd be able to pee if they needed it, so my the time by doctor called for me, I was in a rush in more ways than one. I ascended the steps, ready to do my cup-ly duty when I told him the results of my home test.
"Well, we don't have to confirm it. You're pregnant."
"Are you sure?"
"If it was negative, we'd test again. But when you're pregnant, you're pregnant."
Well that's confirmed at least! The breath was knocked out of me for a second. I knew I was pregnant. My boobs had been hurting, I was very late, and the two tests I took seemed pretty conclusive to me. But still. I'm gonna be a mommy. Way sooner than I had planned. As all of this was jogging through my mind, he said "Ok? Any questions?" I looked at him like his head was on fire and blurted out "What do I do now?" I explained that we were definitely going to have the baby, but I didn't even know what questions to ask. He asked me if I was taking Folic Acid already. I explained that, until yesterday, my next big thing on the horizon was a proposal, so no. He asked whether I wanted Semi-private or Private care. I faltered. I just listened and nodded as he explained all my possibilities. I'm working in Ireland, am a resident, and pay taxes, he explained, which means I'm entitled to some support for maternity care, regardless of my citizenship. That means seeing a midwife every other appointment and a gynecologist every other time. My grandmother is a midwife, so I feel pretty safe with them, plus Ireland has some of the best maternity care in the world, so I was feeling a little better. He was a fantastic doctor, and I really felt safe talking to him.
He went through the motions - 7+ weeks along, due date September 12th, Ultrasound at 18 weeks will give me a better idea, though. Then he got honest.
"1 in 5 pregnancies before 12 weeks miscarries. It's a roll of the dice. It's almost pre-determined."
He warned me that I should keep that in the back of my mind. He gave me some tips - don't eat unpasturized cheese, no alcohol, etc - but said that most of the preventative stuff is hopeful thinking. He just said I need to be prepared that it could happen.
I haven't told anyone but my best friend yet. We'll tell family at the end of February, but we're not going to take it public until the end of March, when we're more or less in the "safe zone."
I have to say, it's a lonely place to be. We're planning, but don't feel safe acting on anything until we know if the pregnancy's viable. I'm wondering about my education and whether I can continue it abroad, settle for a lower degree, go on leave, or abandon it. It's too early to decide now, but I start my next round of fees in March, so that's a huge thing. It's something we'll really need to think about in the coming days.
For now it's powering ahead and looking at visa information for both the US and Ireland...we'll see.
At this point, I didn't know. I mean, I wasn't sure how accurate my home test was, and I wanted to see a doctor to confirm. 10:45 seemed ages away, but my boyfriend drove me in and waited with me. I had about 5 glasses of water just before we left to make sure I'd be able to pee if they needed it, so my the time by doctor called for me, I was in a rush in more ways than one. I ascended the steps, ready to do my cup-ly duty when I told him the results of my home test.
"Well, we don't have to confirm it. You're pregnant."
"Are you sure?"
"If it was negative, we'd test again. But when you're pregnant, you're pregnant."
Well that's confirmed at least! The breath was knocked out of me for a second. I knew I was pregnant. My boobs had been hurting, I was very late, and the two tests I took seemed pretty conclusive to me. But still. I'm gonna be a mommy. Way sooner than I had planned. As all of this was jogging through my mind, he said "Ok? Any questions?" I looked at him like his head was on fire and blurted out "What do I do now?" I explained that we were definitely going to have the baby, but I didn't even know what questions to ask. He asked me if I was taking Folic Acid already. I explained that, until yesterday, my next big thing on the horizon was a proposal, so no. He asked whether I wanted Semi-private or Private care. I faltered. I just listened and nodded as he explained all my possibilities. I'm working in Ireland, am a resident, and pay taxes, he explained, which means I'm entitled to some support for maternity care, regardless of my citizenship. That means seeing a midwife every other appointment and a gynecologist every other time. My grandmother is a midwife, so I feel pretty safe with them, plus Ireland has some of the best maternity care in the world, so I was feeling a little better. He was a fantastic doctor, and I really felt safe talking to him.
He went through the motions - 7+ weeks along, due date September 12th, Ultrasound at 18 weeks will give me a better idea, though. Then he got honest.
"1 in 5 pregnancies before 12 weeks miscarries. It's a roll of the dice. It's almost pre-determined."
He warned me that I should keep that in the back of my mind. He gave me some tips - don't eat unpasturized cheese, no alcohol, etc - but said that most of the preventative stuff is hopeful thinking. He just said I need to be prepared that it could happen.
I haven't told anyone but my best friend yet. We'll tell family at the end of February, but we're not going to take it public until the end of March, when we're more or less in the "safe zone."
I have to say, it's a lonely place to be. We're planning, but don't feel safe acting on anything until we know if the pregnancy's viable. I'm wondering about my education and whether I can continue it abroad, settle for a lower degree, go on leave, or abandon it. It's too early to decide now, but I start my next round of fees in March, so that's a huge thing. It's something we'll really need to think about in the coming days.
For now it's powering ahead and looking at visa information for both the US and Ireland...we'll see.
Pregnant
Let's just say this came as a bit of a shock.
I have been having some "symptoms" for a few weeks, but didn't really think much of it. I kinda thought at the back of my mind "Hey, maybe I should take a test...you know, just to be sure." But before Christmas I had missed a few periods, taken a few tests, and even went to the Doctor to get whatever it was checked out. He said irregularity was normal with stress, so I just ignored it. When my time finally hit just before Thanksgiving, I was relieved and back to normal. I suppose this time around my alarm bells just weren't going off.
I'm a little spacey sometimes when it comes to remembering to do, well, really anything at all if I have anything else going on. I started to get a stomach ache during my shift at work yesterday, and thought I'd just grab a test while I was at the pharmacy getting some Gaviscon for my tummy, just so I wouldn't forget and to put my mind at ease.
I took the test at lunch time and the big, blue "+" popped up like the hand of a kindergartener who really, really, ooh-oooooh-mememememe knows the answer. I did another to be sure.
Sure enough, knocked up.
Maybe taking a test four hours before my shift was supposed to end wasn't THE best idea I've ever had. I did my job, just going over scenarios in my head. And this is why my situation is...less than simple (hence the "purpose" in the previous post) - I'm not a citizen here and my boyfriend is. The US is my country, but right now, Ireland is my home. I've been in the country for 5 years and I have a life here. I am permitted to stay in the country on a strict student visa because I'm two years into a PhD and I only work 20 hours/week.
This changes a lot.
While I was stocking shelves, cashing up, and waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up, I was just running "what-if"s. What if I went on maternity leave, would my loans be affected? What if I gave it up for an M.Litt, would I regret it? What if I gave it up period, would I be able to afford paying back my loans? What if I stayed in Ireland to give birth - can I get a visa? What if I went home - how will the boyfriend get a visa? Will my insurance cover this? Am I entitled to anything? Is this really happening? Am I happy?
Well...yes. Actually, I was surprised at how not-devastated I was in the first couple of hours. I found myself getting used to the idea, but I was terrified of telling my boyfriend. He's amazing - he's incredibly supportive and he's been saving up for a ring to give me a romantic proposal. We've discussed having children and our life together and I told him upfront when we started dating that I would not be able to terminate a pregnancy if it happened and we were on the same page. I don't know exactly what terrified me. Maybe it was the thought of saying it out loud, or that he'd be upset.
He picked me up and that was by far the most awkward car ride I've ever had. I could tell immediately that he knew something was up, but I certainly wasn't going to say what! We got home and he went into the kitchen to cook dinner. I decided it had to be then.
"Could you turn off the stove and come in here, please."
"Sure."
"I have to go to a doctor to make sure..."
"Ok."
::I start crying, I promised I wouldn't do this:: "But I took two tests"
"Ok."
::Sob, sob:: "And they both say I'm..." ::sob, sob:: "Pregnant."
"Ok! It's ok!"
And that was it. He held me and laughed and I said "Don't be upset!" and he said "I'm not! I'm happy." Suddenly I felt silly. Like a little girl who had dropped an ice cream to be immediately offered another. Ok. I had anticipated hours of talking and crying and sharing and anxiety. But we had a moment - maybe a 15 minute moment - and he went to finish dinner. And that was it. And it was all ok.
We'll figure it out. It's not going to be easy, there's a lot to take care of as far as even in which country our child will be born. But it's ok. We'll figure it out. That I know.
I have been having some "symptoms" for a few weeks, but didn't really think much of it. I kinda thought at the back of my mind "Hey, maybe I should take a test...you know, just to be sure." But before Christmas I had missed a few periods, taken a few tests, and even went to the Doctor to get whatever it was checked out. He said irregularity was normal with stress, so I just ignored it. When my time finally hit just before Thanksgiving, I was relieved and back to normal. I suppose this time around my alarm bells just weren't going off.
I'm a little spacey sometimes when it comes to remembering to do, well, really anything at all if I have anything else going on. I started to get a stomach ache during my shift at work yesterday, and thought I'd just grab a test while I was at the pharmacy getting some Gaviscon for my tummy, just so I wouldn't forget and to put my mind at ease.
I took the test at lunch time and the big, blue "+" popped up like the hand of a kindergartener who really, really, ooh-oooooh-mememememe knows the answer. I did another to be sure.
Sure enough, knocked up.
Maybe taking a test four hours before my shift was supposed to end wasn't THE best idea I've ever had. I did my job, just going over scenarios in my head. And this is why my situation is...less than simple (hence the "purpose" in the previous post) - I'm not a citizen here and my boyfriend is. The US is my country, but right now, Ireland is my home. I've been in the country for 5 years and I have a life here. I am permitted to stay in the country on a strict student visa because I'm two years into a PhD and I only work 20 hours/week.
This changes a lot.
While I was stocking shelves, cashing up, and waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up, I was just running "what-if"s. What if I went on maternity leave, would my loans be affected? What if I gave it up for an M.Litt, would I regret it? What if I gave it up period, would I be able to afford paying back my loans? What if I stayed in Ireland to give birth - can I get a visa? What if I went home - how will the boyfriend get a visa? Will my insurance cover this? Am I entitled to anything? Is this really happening? Am I happy?
Well...yes. Actually, I was surprised at how not-devastated I was in the first couple of hours. I found myself getting used to the idea, but I was terrified of telling my boyfriend. He's amazing - he's incredibly supportive and he's been saving up for a ring to give me a romantic proposal. We've discussed having children and our life together and I told him upfront when we started dating that I would not be able to terminate a pregnancy if it happened and we were on the same page. I don't know exactly what terrified me. Maybe it was the thought of saying it out loud, or that he'd be upset.
He picked me up and that was by far the most awkward car ride I've ever had. I could tell immediately that he knew something was up, but I certainly wasn't going to say what! We got home and he went into the kitchen to cook dinner. I decided it had to be then.
"Could you turn off the stove and come in here, please."
"Sure."
"I have to go to a doctor to make sure..."
"Ok."
::I start crying, I promised I wouldn't do this:: "But I took two tests"
"Ok."
::Sob, sob:: "And they both say I'm..." ::sob, sob:: "Pregnant."
"Ok! It's ok!"
And that was it. He held me and laughed and I said "Don't be upset!" and he said "I'm not! I'm happy." Suddenly I felt silly. Like a little girl who had dropped an ice cream to be immediately offered another. Ok. I had anticipated hours of talking and crying and sharing and anxiety. But we had a moment - maybe a 15 minute moment - and he went to finish dinner. And that was it. And it was all ok.
We'll figure it out. It's not going to be easy, there's a lot to take care of as far as even in which country our child will be born. But it's ok. We'll figure it out. That I know.
A Purpose
I've started so many blogs before, and I've failed at all of them.
Some last a day, some last a week, one lasted a month. I don't know why I keep failing at them.
I want this one to be different.
This blog is a journal, idea catcher, time capsule, and help desk all in one. I can't find anything relevant to my situation online, so I'm making a epicentre of information that, as I stumble and cobble it all together, might be of some use to someone else one of these days.
And I want to look back on it - for better or worse - as a documentation of an amazing journey.
Are you ready?
Some last a day, some last a week, one lasted a month. I don't know why I keep failing at them.
I want this one to be different.
This blog is a journal, idea catcher, time capsule, and help desk all in one. I can't find anything relevant to my situation online, so I'm making a epicentre of information that, as I stumble and cobble it all together, might be of some use to someone else one of these days.
And I want to look back on it - for better or worse - as a documentation of an amazing journey.
Are you ready?
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